Summer in ATL 2011: Hannying

This is late because my internet here is SO schwag that I cannot blog without waiting 45+ minutes for shit to load just so my computer can crash… not worth it. Currently using Barnes and Noble for their internet, I figured I’d post the tale of how my journey ended. This was written last Saturday in the car leaving the airport. Lovely.

      I now sit embraced by the warm leather interior of my Aunt from Chi’s car. It’s all a little bit complicated as to why I am here and not in my MOM’S car like she PROMISED. Hayley is going to camp here in Chicago with my 10 year old cousin who lives here with my other aunt, the owner of this car. She lives in Northfield a few towns over. So she is picking up all of us at the airport, and my mom is picking me up at my aunt’s to take me home. So I AM home, as in back in Chi, but only kind of.

      On the way here we faced a heinous gate change, then a one-hour delay. DUMB. My aunt, cousin and I read magazines, listened to ipods and the like. I had no desire to entertain childish whimsy anymore and was just dying to go home. So I allowed myself to get completely and totally enveloped in my Candace Bushnell book, which is actually so way good.

      Upon sitting on the plane, my cousin forced me to take a picture of her sleeping on my shoulder, totally posed. She had been urging me about this necessity for the last 5 days, asking me repeatedly whether she could take her camera on the plane, and then reminding me, “And then we’ll get on the plane and then we’ll TAKE THE PICTURE.” Finding out right away that my seat was across the aisle from her, she panicked. It was the end of the world. Luckily we posed it and she got the fucking picture and we could move on.

      I sat next to an Indian man who asked me when we landed, then some blonde shaven guy with a tee shirt tucked into cargo shorts with a black leather belt—ew. As we took off, I kept reading, but noticed that the Indian man continued to doze off, wake up, and shake his head to wake back up again. The head shake was so frantic, like in Mario 64 when you stop playing for a couple minutes and Mario falls asleep, and then you toggle the controller and he wakes up. Or in Pokemon when Drowzee gets, well, drowsy…This “fall asleep-wake-up-head shake” happened about 20 times, one time even falling into me. I don’t get it – you dumb fuck. Like, you’re tired, you have an hour and a half to kill, fall the fuck asleep. It’s fine. Then the shaven boy gazed out the window the entire time. I was bored, so I asked how the view was. He wasn’t attractive; it wasn’t a strategy. It was alright, he said. As I chugged my water and ate my airline pretzels, I glanced at him (Snorelax was in the middle sleeping), and asked, “You know what would be crazy? If this was STRAIGHT VODKA.” I grinned and kept chugging. He looked back to the window, a tad disturbed…

      Shrugging and flicking on the “hold” button on my ipod, I got lost in the beats of Sleigh Bells, wetting my appetite for my incoming flood of real life social events this week. Makeup and glamour and outfits to plan. Friends to see and beverages to mix and dancing to do! Winning!       So now I’m in the car, my cousins are being loud and annoying laughing at dumb shit in the back seat, and I am almost home. It has been such a glorious summer in its own special way, but my god does it feel good to be back. I can finally put away the nannyish flower-patterned shoulder bag and whip out my black patent clutch without worrying about Peanut calling it “inappropriate”. The makeup will be smoky, the heels will be high (tastefully done of course) just because I can. Because I’m back! The trueness of this makes the car antics so bearable! I’M HAPPY! YAY!

Oh but way to be a buzzkill Amy Winehouse.

Kidding. Way too soon. That’s sad.

But yay for being home. YAY!

Final day was seamless. I had a delicious dinner at a trendy italian restaurant called Sotto Sotto, where I was exposed to mussels (YUM!) and eggplant walnut ravioli. So fun. I got to voice to my family how special this summer has been, and how it has truly been an epic time.

I now sit here watching DVRd housewives finale drunk off moscato, and all is right in the universe. Tomorrow I return to chi city an evolved, more mature girl ready to cuddle you all. 

I leave you with some quotables from my aunt…

(on Obama) “His lips are purple.” (laughs) Um. What.

“Why are fat people on my tv?” Uhhh.

Greatness. Love her. Love my uncle. Love my cousin. Don’t love the dog but oh well. =) It was a great summer amongst the magnolias, the hills, the housewives and the fam. I might blog more tomorrow in case airport idiocy bookends my trek, but in the mean time, I hope you’ve all made as much mons and had simultaneously as much fulfillment as me. I’m a lucky bitch. And guess what? The bitch is back.

Love, Peaches, and (as of tomorrow!) deep dish pizza,

-H

I didn’t blog this but Max peed yet again yesterday after the previous post. That’s twice in one day. He is now decapitated in the bushes.

KIDDING! LOL!

Tonight was filled with a lot of “lasts”…

Last trip to Publix for groceries.

Last home made dinner because we’re going out tomorrow for the last supper. (Painting reference eh eh)

So I made homemade baked chicken tenders with home made wheat crumbs and baked them, they were great. Then we had green beans and leftover unreal mac n cheese. We normally watch little house at dinner, but Hayley asked to listen to music. At this moment, I fell in love with her. I spent the last 2 months trying to tear her away from her hypnotic TV state, and tonight she literally asked to listen to music, which allowed conversation and giggles. 

We listened to Disney hits, and got riffing on an epic conversation about Disney movies. Let me tell you, Hayley does an EXCELLENT Roz from Monsters, inc. As we finished up, Hayley asked to put on my ipod, and requested Gaga’s “The Edge of Glory”. This resulted in an epic dance party in the kitchen. The music blasted and the plates on the table remained dirty for an extra 10 minutes, because the more important task at hand was to rock out with my 7-year old cousin in a carefree unforgettable moment. It is so heinously cheesy, but finding those moments to abandon your ego and pride for the sake of making a kid smile is all like… rewarding. Which is why right before the first chorus I took out two large spoons, thrust one at her and said, “This is your microphone and we have an audience of 1,000,000 people. Let’s sing.” So we showed our imaginary audience an amazing show, laughing and jumping together all the while, and I’m sorry to be shitting rainbows right now but it was seriously a blast and adorable. At the end she yelled, “THANK YA VERY MUCH!” to which I added, “WE’RE HERE ‘TILL SATURDAY!” Badass, I know.

Despite my aunt’s best efforts to make Hayley into a little lady, which she has succeeded pretty well in thus far, I loved having this opportunity to allow her to get a little bit crazier than usual. Pretty sure I got uber cool points for this. And so did she! I hope it’s a significant memory for her, because it sure is for me.

So there you have it. My 2nd to last night here, just me and Peanut dancing with ourselves, and most certainly on the edge of glory. Perfection. 

So after having a delicious tofu scrambler with my cousin before camp and rolling into the driveway I thought that my opinion of the dog has really changed since last night.

I don’t do well being alone without adults in the house, so I forced him to cuddle with me while I went to sleep. Let me tell you, guys can take some pointers from dogs. He is an expert spooner and cuddler. 

Thanking him for this in my head, I walked into the house, and couldn’t wait to give him a long well-earned walk. That is, until I saw the small puddle of dog pee that awaited me. 

Yesterday it was a pile of shit.

Now, I find this a little bit passive aggressive and downright laughable considering this morning not only did I let him out TWICE before we walked out the door, but I left the TV on, made sure he was stocked with water and food (that I added leftover rice to because he loves people food). I did EVERYTHING RIGHT. Yet he still finds it necessary to try and make me miserable, and succeeds admirably. 

As much as I would love love LOVE to actually punish this heinous high maintenance pup by not walking him, doing so would only cause him to pee and shit again and again and again. Because no matter what I do, he chooses to ruin my life. 

So lessons learned: I don’t have unconditional love for dogs to my dismay. Also, don’t raise high maintenance dogs because they fucking suck for people who have to take care of them.

Maxwell— you’re dead to me!!!!

It’s not that hard! 

She’s a little georgia peach sometimes, she just really is, snoozin’ away upstairs. It has dawned on me as my time here winds down that I have learned lots about myself through this opportunity to Hanny for 2 months. Read further if you’re intrigued or whatever.

1. I do NOT want a dog for a long ass time. They’re annoying.

2. I thought I can only bake but oh hey I cook like a muhfuggin monstuh.

3. I am somehow physically capable of doing (and liking) p90x. 

4. The above is only driven by insane amounts of vanity unfortunately.

5. I like magnolia trees.

6. I like hills.

7. Tanning “the healthy” (i.e. slow) way SUCKS and is ineffective.

8. I go on facebook too much.

9. For someone who loves movies too much, I haven’t seen enough classics. This summer I watched the graduate, good will hunting, kramer vs. kramer, social network, and then good indies… lars and the real girl (LURVED), all good things (SCAWY!), blue valentine (GORGEOUS!) (that was my creepy ryan gosling spell), happythankyoumoreplease… then action movies, ARRY POTTUH 7 Parts un et deux, limitless, midnight in the garden of good and evil and then the romancies… going the distance 

AND FINALLY I am currently watching abc family’s film starring emily osment “Cyberbully” which is basically a cheap knockoff of 13 more centered around the internet. It’s rull depressing and I feel like lifetime should have produced it but the fact that I have that impulse is embarrassing in and of itself, meaning oh yes, I fucking love a good lifetime drama.

10. Ryan Gosling is my new favorite actor. Sorry boutcha River/Heath. For real though.

11. I’m a morning person

12. I’m a bad parallel parker and should avoid it at all costs.

13. I really really like The Smiths and New Order thanks to my aunt and uncle. But I already liked the heads and the cure so. I’m not like a total poser now or some shit.

14. I love my friends more than I understood because without them for this long a small part of me has shrivelled up like that guy’s hand in Scary Movie 2 and it’s really sad and in just a few glorious days you can all fill that void. 

15. Speaking of filling voids! This summer has been glorious for reconnecting with this family and I lurv them a lot. 

16. FINALLY. Today I was picking up my cousin from camp while I was teen mommin’ and it was rainy and stormy and there were huge bolts of lightening. Also, an accident occupying the road on my way. Hence the roads were a TOTAL CLUSTER. The minutes crept by and it dawned on me I might be late for my 4:30 pick up time. And I freaked. OUT. I was mumbling “goooo go. Come on. What the fuck are you doing man? Like, really?” to other cars, and when traffic finally got moving I finally started mumbling “Get me to my kid get me to my kid.” I WISH this were a joke. I was just picturing her being the last one at camp scared and alone wondering where I was and I just felt awful and wanted to disobey all speed limits. In conclusion: Hannah FUCK KIDS I LIKE OLD PEOPLE AND MYSELF Brown (these things ARE still true, let’s make that clear…) has hidden (very hidden) deep-seated maternal instincts. I still don’t want babies, but I feel like a better person. Yayyer.

This post= too long. Thanks for reading if you stuck it out! 

Love & Peaches! & MORE PEACHES! 

-H

So just when I thought I was home free with my cousin in camp 8:30 to 4:30 and only a few days to go, my aunt and uncle dropped the nuclear bomb that they would BOTH— yes, BOTH be out of town on business Wednesday through Friday. 

“Are you okay with that?” My aunt asked.

“Do I have a choice?” I blurted.

“But it’s extra cash…”  my aunt said.

That was all I needed to readily agree. So here we are, day 1 of operation teen mom. It really won’t be that difficult. Quite frankly I moreso hate staying home alone with the heinous dog following me around panting even after a lengthy walk. Seriously fucking psycho and high maintenance and I cannot wait to leave him. But I’ll be sad about leaving everything else. 

So now while Peanut’s at camp I’m watching some RHNYC which is pretty neat, and tonight we’re making Bethenny’s healthy macaroni. Yay! Tomorrow morning we’re grabbing some lush early breakfast as my strategy to distract her from the morning without her parents. I’m good at what I do. =) 

Okay back to the housewives. Home in 3 days!